The Onion – Hearseeno

Trump Vehemently Denies Using Word ‘People’ To Describe African Immigrants

WASHINGTON—Citing today’s announcement that transgendered individuals would be banned from serving in any capacity in the United States armed forces, numerous sources within the Trump administration expressed a deep sense of concern Wednesday that the president was burning through minority scapegoats at an unsustainable rate. “I was hoping we’d be able to keep the transgender community in our back pockets for at least another year, but we’re barely six months into the first term and the president goes and wastes that card on military overspending and unpreparedness—we just can’t keep up this kind of pace,” Chief of Staff Reince Priebus reportedly told top advisors in a closed-door meeting this morning, sharing his concern that President Trump had already used the nation’s Hispanics and Muslims as targets of blame for all of the country’s criminal problems and terrorist threats, respectively. “We’ve got to make it through three and a half more years, and there are only so many minorities we can pin the country’s issues on. At this rate, we’ll be holding gay parents responsible for our cultural decline by October and targeting Jews for economic stagnation by the end of this year. Who the hell are we going to hit after that when we get into another crisis? Christ, this is bad.” Priebus reportedly took some solace, however, upon being reminded that the nation’s black community was always available as a suitable fallback scapegoat for any conceivable social or political ill whenever the Trump administration needed one.

COLUMBUS, OH—Marveling at how well preserved the archaic opinions were, a team of archaeologists from the Smithsonian Institution announced Thursday the discovery of a fully intact 17th-century belief system in Ohio congressman Jim Jordan (R-OH). “It’s just extraordinary to come across a perspective that dates back to the the mid-1600s and shows absolutely no signs of decay,” said Dr. Claire Goedde, explaining that while it’s not uncommon to encounter partial remains of convictions from that era, it’s exceedingly rare to recover a specimen this pristine. “All the 400-year-old viewpoints remain almost completely untouched, from religion’s place in society to the rights of women to the attitude toward science. I can only imagine the insights this single sample will provide as to how people who lived centuries ago saw the world around them.” Goedde added, however, that the congressman’s belief system was fragile even in near-perfect condition and could deteriorate rapidly if examined too much.

WASHINGTON—Circling every level multiple times with no luck whatsoever, Washington Post reporter Philip Rucker was frustrated Tuesday that every space in the parking garage was taken up by an anonymous source. “I’ve gone around and around, but I can’t find a single spot that isn’t already filled by an unidentified White House leaker,” said an exasperated Rucker, who recalled how easy it was to nab a prime parking place to clandestinely receive privileged information only a few short years ago. “It’s such a nightmare driving all the way to the very top of the whole fucking structure to hold a secret meeting with an informant and then have to squeeze into a spot reserved for compact cars that another journalist who’s meeting with a whistle-blower is halfway parked in anyway. Seriously, I have to start scheduling these rendezvous earlier, because as soon as dusk settles in, you can forget it.” At press time, Rucker was idling his car near the space occupied by a New York Times reporter who had just received a thumb drive and appeared to be wrapping things up.

CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA—Stressing the need to take urgent action before it’s too late, the Australian Parliament gathered Monday to discuss the nation’s dwindling Hemsworth reserves. “Over the last decade, our nation’s crucial Hemsworth supply has decreased to the point of being nearly depleted,” said The Honorable Stephen Perry, President of the Senate, adding that Australia could not afford to squander its most precious resource and must preserve what little was left for the sake of its children and grandchildren. “I fear we are reaching a precipice from which there is no turning back. We all saw what happened to Sweden’s Skarsgård reserves and what a disaster that was—if we don’t learn from history, the consequences for our nation will be dire indeed.” At press time, the Parliament had voted to freeze all Hemsworth exports, as it might take a generation for the supply to be replenished.

FAIRFAX, VA—As part of its ongoing efforts to reduce the number of accidental deaths from firearms, the National Rifle Association issued a recommendation Wednesday urging gun owners to secure their children in a locked safe at all times. “Because responsible gun ownership begins with proper storage, we advise you to keep your children in a tamper-proof safe, especially when they have friends over and any time you are out of the home,” wrote executive vice president Wayne LaPierre in a bulletin to the organization’s members, adding that it was not enough to simply place one’s children in a drawer, atop a high shelf, or underneath a bed, as stowing kids in such locations was neither a secure nor foolproof way of preventing a firearm accident from occurring. “We recognize that purchasing a steel-reinforced vault that can fit every one of your children comes at a premium, but can you really put a price on the safety of your family?” LaPierre went on to say that gun owners could easily add an extra layer of security and further peace of mind by keeping a separate lock on each child as well.

WASHINGTON—Expressing surprise and sadness at Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ repeated denials of contact with Russian officials during the 2016 presidential campaign, heartbroken Ambassador Sergey Kislyak told reporters Thursday that he thought his special meetings with the then–Alabama senator were actually very memorable. “To be honest, our two conversations hold great significance for me, and I can’t help but be upset to learn that Jeff felt otherwise,” said the tearful Russian diplomat, adding that he simply could not believe that Sessions could so nonchalantly dismiss the many hours they spent discussing the intimate details of their lives, including their innermost hopes and fears for their respective countries. “It really hurts to think that Jeff doesn’t cherish the afternoons we spent sitting in his office exchanging information about everything under the sun. These were some of the most meaningful discussions of my life, and Jeff’s writing them off like they didn’t even happen. How could he be so cruel?” Kislyak went on to say that even his subsequent communications with former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn never for a moment made him forget the precious time he and Sessions spent together.