semirahrose:

I’m seeing a lot about Sam’s apology and Dean’s response in 12.15, “Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell.” It was good to see Dean accepting Sam’s explanation and understanding Sam’s motivations. Seeing Sam and Dean’s relationship get even a bit closer is always a pleasure.

But something rubbed me wrong: there’s this weird imbalance when it comes to apologies in this show. For example, we got almost this exact same thing in 11.11, where Sam, after facing Lucifer, feels immensely guilty about thinking Dean was dead and not saving him from Purgatory. He sincerely apologizes and Dean responds kindly, telling him all was forgiven and forgotten long ago.

So in short, Sam feels guilty about withholding the full truth about an honest mistake he made years ago. (I’ve written about my feelings on the topic of the apology 11.11 before.) Sam also, most recently, feels guilty about secretly allying with a group of people who tortured and brutalized him in unspeakable ways. He eventually comes clean and apologizes, admitting that he thinks their methods might allow them to save people. He is in a vulnerable position in front of Dean, who has the power to forgive or withhold forgiveness. Apologies are like that. One can’t go in expecting forgiveness, but Sam still apologizes.

Yet we never see the other side of that. And see, on the Sam and Dean front, that makes perfect sense. Even Jensen has said that Dean’s biggest flaws are not admitting he’s wrong and not asking for help when he needs it (x). (Hint to SPN writers: I wouldn’t mind seeing some development on that front.)

But it’s not only Dean who doesn’t bring these things up or apologize for them—it’s the show itself. Where Sam’s misdeeds come up repeatedly, Dean’s fade into obscurity.

• Dean, who admitted that Sam would rather die than be possessed, agrees to in his brother’s stead to let Gadreel possess Sam. Sam’s body is used to murder people and Sam has nightmares about it. He is so messed up about the huge breach of trust that he cannot work together with Dean for a while. Dean never apologizes. In fact, his last words on the matter are that he’d do it again. What he did is never mentioned again except as a failure on Sam’s part to appease and work together with Dean.
• Dean, who took on the Mark without Sam’s knowledge, keeps its nature and its effects secret for as long as he can, and then lies to Sam, knocks him unconscious, and leaves him on the ground. No apology. Never mentioned again.
• Dean is a demon who hurts, mocks, verbally abuses, and tries to kill Sam. Of course he wasn’t quite himself at the time, but that has never stopped Sam from feeling and expressing guilt for his actions (see: soullessness). He never apologizes. It’s never mentioned again.
• Dean then explicitly lies about the increasing power of the Mark throughout s10. He kills people who shouldn’t die and overkills things that should. He acts behind Sam’s back. He never apologizes. It’s never mentioned again.
• Sam’s choice to save the world from facing an immortal, murderous Mark-bearer by seeking a cure, however, is brought up repeatedly by other characters to condemn Sam.
• Mark-influenced Dean blames Sam for Charlie’s death, refuses to allow Sam to speak at her pyre, and tells Sam that he should be the one who’s dead. This is never mentioned again. Dean never apologizes.
• Dean manipulates Sam into coming to him under false pretenses and then tries to convince Sam to let Dean murder him. He’s successful. He brutally beats Sam until he’s on his knees, calls him selfish. This is never mentioned again. Sam receives no apology.
• Dean, out of fear, fails to tell Sam about the effect his bond with Amara has on him. Said bond puts Sam’s life in peril more than once when Dean’s responses are compromised. He admits the truth to Sam. (No apology for keeping the secret. Never mentioned again, by the way.) Sam understands and forgives without an apology, understanding that Dean feared rejection.
• In contrast, Sam’s “visions” (from Lucifer) are revealed and Sam gets a lot of flak for his mistaken faith before Dean benevolently agrees to allow things to play out as they will.
• Dean says in 11.22 that “I lie and tell Sam I’m sorry all the time.” I don’t dare wonder which rare apologies he’s actually talking about. This exchange is played for a joke, of course, but presented as fact and never countered. Never mentioned again, etc.

So. Dean almost never apologizes but says that he often lies when he does, and the show sees no need to rectify that. But Sam keeps secrets—the weight of which often has to do with his own body, mental health, or torture—and the show has him apologize more often than not to Dean’s patient absolution. I’m not saying that Sam has never done things to apologize for or that he shouldn’t have apologized, but I am saying that there’s a clear imbalance. I’m always interested in character growth, but something’s rotten here.