Tag: snort

theonion:

WASHINGTON—Circling every level multiple times with no luck whatsoever, Washington Post reporter Philip Rucker was frustrated Tuesday that every space in the parking garage was taken up by an anonymous source. “I’ve gone around and around, but I can’t find a single spot that isn’t already filled by an unidentified White House leaker,” said an exasperated Rucker, who recalled how easy it was to nab a prime parking place to clandestinely receive privileged information only a few short years ago. “It’s such a nightmare driving all the way to the very top of the whole fucking structure to hold a secret meeting with an informant and then have to squeeze into a spot reserved for compact cars that another journalist who’s meeting with a whistle-blower is halfway parked in anyway. Seriously, I have to start scheduling these rendezvous earlier, because as soon as dusk settles in, you can forget it.” At press time, Rucker was idling his car near the space occupied by a New York Times reporter who had just received a thumb drive and appeared to be wrapping things up.

obsessionisaperfume:

dr-archeville:

blackphoenix1977:

valeria2067:

tiger-in-the-flightdeck:

doctornerdington:

ekjohnston:

bethanyactually:

nandamai:

under-the-moonlight-tower:

marchek:

sorcyress:

holyfiremolotov:

pleasecallmesurely:

cosetteskywalker:

lottiethroughthelookingglass:

sunshine-and-the-catsuit:

sophygurl:

maradyeries:

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. And then the murders began.

Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself. And then the murders began.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And then the murders began.

The phantom of the opera did exist. And then the murders begun.

Maman died today. And then the murders began. 

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. And then the murders began.

In 1815 Monsieur Charles-Francois-Bienvenu Myriel was Bishop of Digne. And then the murders began.

In an old house in Paris, that was covered in vines, lived twelve little girls in two straight lines. And then the murders began.

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. And then the murders began.

“Where’s Papa going with that axe?” said Fern to her mother as they were setting the table for breakfast. And then the murders began.

Sing, O goddess, the anger of Achilles son of Peleus, that brought countless ills upon the Achaeans. And then the murders began.

“Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents,” grumbled Jo, lying on the rug. And then the murders began.

In a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit. And then the murders began.

I… would read all of these.

In the year 1878 I took my degree of Doctor of Medicine of the
University of London, and proceeded to Netley to go through the course
prescribed for surgeons in the army. And then the murders began.

Well… Well, it’s not wrong.

Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, “and what is the use of a book,” thought Alice “without pictures or conversation?”

And then the murders began.

It was a dark and stormy night. And then the murders began.

All children, except one, grow up.  And then the murders began.

I had this story from one who had no business to tell it to me or to any other. And then the murders began.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.  

And then the murders began.

Source: maradyeries

theonion:

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the legislation would create major gaps in treatment for tens of millions of people, a new report released Thursday by the American Public Health Association found that anxiety disorders induced by Donald Trump’s presidency will not be covered under the new GOP healthcare bill. “Under the proposed American Health Care Act, those experiencing anxiety over the impact of the Trump administration on the economy, civil rights, or the environment, or just suffering from generalized distress over the future of the nation, will have to pay exorbitant out-of-pocket expenses for any therapies required to cope,” said policy analyst Jason Coates, adding that not even the groups who will need treatment most, such as immigrants, women, and the poor, would be covered. “Even as President Trump continues to enact more of his controversial agenda and make antagonizing public statements, millions will remain vulnerable to the resulting mental health issues. And if left untreated over an entire four-year term, they could develop into more serious conditions that will end up costing taxpayers much more in the long run.” The report also acknowledged, however, that Trump-related anxiety would result in billions of dollars in savings for elder care due to the shortened lifespan of many seniors. 

theonion:

WASHINGTON—Expressing surprise and sadness at Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ repeated denials of contact with Russian officials during the 2016 presidential campaign, heartbroken Ambassador Sergey Kislyak told reporters Thursday that he thought his special meetings with the then–Alabama senator were actually very memorable. “To be honest, our two conversations hold great significance for me, and I can’t help but be upset to learn that Jeff felt otherwise,” said the tearful Russian diplomat, adding that he simply could not believe that Sessions could so nonchalantly dismiss the many hours they spent discussing the intimate details of their lives, including their innermost hopes and fears for their respective countries. “It really hurts to think that Jeff doesn’t cherish the afternoons we spent sitting in his office exchanging information about everything under the sun. These were some of the most meaningful discussions of my life, and Jeff’s writing them off like they didn’t even happen. How could he be so cruel?” Kislyak went on to say that even his subsequent communications with former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn never for a moment made him forget the precious time he and Sessions spent together.

WebMD Middle Ages

sashayed:

roachpatrol:

sashayed:

elucubrare:

Q: I have, of late, felt strange pain in mine elbow

A: Prepare thy soul to be shriven, for thou hast THE PLAGUE

Try These Home Remedyes

  • take in thy hand a Scourge haveing 3 Tayles, and with it flagellate thy sinnful bodye in the publick Road, crying Mercie of God 
  • have lesse blood
  • hast thou tried Arsenic

Was This Helpful aye | nay
36 out of 39 serfs founde thys helpfull

if thou dost not posess a sufficiency of time for the weaving of thine own sacks for a sackcloth & ashys perdition garment, store boute ys fine

Thys Knave Hath Procured the True & Grislye Fyngre-Bone of St. Agrippina. Thou’lt Credit NOT What Thanne Transpired 

theonion:

“We urge pregnant women in attendance to take precautions to protect their unborn children by exiting the premises for the entirety of Ted Cruz’s speech, as any exposure to the senator could cause significant birth defects,” announced RNC operations manager Caroline Davidson over the arena’s sound system 15 minutes prior to the Texas lawmaker’s scheduled appearance, while volunteers distributed pamphlets outlining further steps pregnant mothers should take to safeguard themselves, including not reentering the building for at least 24 hours after the senator had finished speaking and avoiding direct contact with anyone who was present during Cruz’s speech for the remainder of their pregnancy.

More.

terminallydepraved:

charlesoberonn:

nexya:

I love how humans have literally not changed throughout history like the graffiti from Pompeii has people from hundreds of years ago writing stuff like “Marcus is gay” “I fucked a girl here” “Julius your mum wishes she was with me” and leonardo da vinci’s assistants drew dicks in their notebooks just for the banter and mozart created a piece called “kiss my ass” so when people wish for ‘today’s generation’ to be like ‘how people used to’ then we’re already there buddy we’ve always been

The Hagia Sophia has inscriptions that were considered sacred for centuries until they were deciphered in the 70s to be Nordic runes saying “Halfdan wrote this”

my old english prof told us that theres a cave in Scandinavia where a viking gratified some runes like 14 feet up on the wall and when they finally reached it all it translated into was “this is very high”