A local
woman has been forbidden from dating unless her provisional boyfriend steals a
priceless artefact from the most high-security location in Northern Beleriand,
according to anonymous sources named Daeron this past Tuesday.
“Is the
stupid Silmaril that great? Nope. Is it even my dad’s? Nope,” said Lúthien
Tinúviel, a half-angel, half-elf princess. “But is he demanding that Beren
[Camlost] get it anyway? Yup.”
Tinúviel
has been seeing Camlost in secret from the first day of spring, according to
local musician Daeron, who also voices reasonable doubts about the match.
“The
King’s demands may seem extreme, but unfortunately, extreme measures are the
only way to get through that Man’s thick head,” said Daeron, who claims to be
Tinúviel’s ex. “I think it’s the only way we’ll get things back to the way they
should be around here.”
Tinúviel’s
father, Elu Thingol, had Camlost arrested Tuesday for trespassing in his
Teleri- and Maia-only kingdom, but Tinúviel forestalled a formal trial by
snatching Camlost away from his guards and walking him right into her parents’
room. Thingol’s demands to know who the Man was and what he was doing in
Menegroth were apparently met with Tinuviel’s “he’s that pain in Morgoth’s ass
you keep talking about congratulating” and Camlost’s slightly more formal “it
was true love that brought me here.”
Allegedly,
it was the phrase “true love” that ignited Thingol’s rage, not “Morgoth’s ass.”
Thingol,
best known for the centuries-long disappearance in which he was the sketchy
boyfriend, eventually admitted that
Camlost’s inheritance, a green snake ring from Finrod Felagund’s Hot Topic
phase, was inconveniently legitimate. An impossible quest
seemed like the ideal solution after hours spent brandishing sovereign immunity
with no effect.
“That’s
how little you value your daughter? Whoah, I’m doing us both a favor,” Camlost is rumored to have said before being chased
out of Menegroth by angry trees. “We’ll meet again, your majesty.”
In order
to stand any chance at dating his One True Love™ and maybe getting started on
some one-quarter-angel, one-quarter-elf, and two-quarters Atani children, Camlost
is now bound to recover a Silmaril from the crown of Morgoth. (For any readers
who have been living in an isolated forest kingdom for the last several
thousand years, Morgoth is the rogue god currently terrorizing Northern
Beleriand in hopes of consuming all Beleriand.)
Tinúviel
has since been confined to her childhood treehouse until the matter is settled.
Her guards report that she has been combing her hair excessively, but is
otherwise quiet.
WASHINGTON—Circling every level multiple times with no luck whatsoever, Washington Post reporter Philip Rucker was frustrated Tuesday that every space in the parking garage was taken up by an anonymous source. “I’ve gone around and around, but I can’t find a single spot that isn’t already filled by an unidentified White House leaker,” said an exasperated Rucker, who recalled how easy it was to nab a prime parking place to clandestinely receive privileged information only a few short years ago. “It’s such a nightmare driving all the way to the very top of the whole fucking structure to hold a secret meeting with an informant and then have to squeeze into a spot reserved for compact cars that another journalist who’s meeting with a whistle-blower is halfway parked in anyway. Seriously, I have to start scheduling these rendezvous earlier, because as soon as dusk settles in, you can forget it.” At press time, Rucker was idling his car near the space occupied by a New York Times reporter who had just received a thumb drive and appeared to be wrapping things up.
The Secret Door could take you anywhere in the world. Only unlike completely randomised websites that drop you in the middle of the Australian outback, it’s likely to take you somewhere really, really cool.
it took me to the horizon of a city. and then i looked around and i realized…
it was a miniature city
people were standing around it and all this time i was thinking it was a real city
i got scared there for a moment
it dropped me IN THE OCEAN in front of a manta ray
I am in some turkish baths
Muscular dudes and ladies are looking at me
I ENDED UP IN LEGOLAND
i think i should get points for recognising it instantly
EDIT: omg now i’m in a garden centre in Worcestershire
I am in a leather bag shop.
I AM IN A GLORIOUS CAVE IN OKINAWA
HERE IS WHERE I SHALL CONSTRUCT MY SUPERVILLAIN LAIR
it took me to a thrift store, a hiking trail, and then a candy store.
IT’S LIKE IT KNOWS ME
OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING.
I landed in the Grand Canyon, then the Inuit Museum (I think), then a a bar?!?! *click more*
I’m in a DIY store…
….
A DIY STORE COME ON
This is the ideal procrastination while having to study for exams (edit: it just took me to Tate Britain, an aquarium, a deserted railway in Japan and the cutest Mexican restaurant ever)
It dropped me on top of a high bridge in Japan, then on train tracks in the Swiss Alps, then into a comic store, and then in… this…
I went to a monkey sanctuary and the White House. Which…is the same thing, honestly.
The first place it took me to was the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, one of my favorite places to visit as a kid, and where I’ve been wanting to go for a while!
I got sent to a Candy Store. Really? My allergies are going to kill me in the morning after a visit like that.
know what’s wild? that the trope of like “my father always wanted a son so he treated me, his daughter, like a boy” is so popular and like lowkey loved, but if you ever saw a mother who talked about how much she wanted a daughter instead of a son, or if she treated her son like a girl, like??? people would think she’s awful and that poor boy??
damn wonder why that is 😒
i was high af when i wrote this but it’s still true
The latter is literally the plot of some horror movies.
being socialized female is easily recognized as abuse the moment it’s done to a male child
Because sometimes what you need most is the sight of over 2000 dolphins swimming together at sunrise through False Bay, off the southwest coast of South Africa.
Hearseeno 