LOCAL WOMAN RECEIVES MOST EXTREME DATING DEMAND EVER, AND IT’S NOT EVEN FROM HER BOYFRIEND

the-tater:

A local
woman has been forbidden from dating unless her provisional boyfriend steals a
priceless artefact from the most high-security location in Northern Beleriand,
according to anonymous sources named Daeron this past Tuesday.

“Is the
stupid Silmaril that great? Nope. Is it even my dad’s? Nope,” said Lúthien
Tinúviel, a half-angel, half-elf princess. “But is he demanding that Beren
[Camlost] get it anyway? Yup.”  

Tinúviel
has been seeing Camlost in secret from the first day of spring, according to
local musician Daeron, who also voices reasonable doubts about the match.

“The
King’s demands may seem extreme, but unfortunately, extreme measures are the
only way to get through that Man’s thick head,” said Daeron, who claims to be
Tinúviel’s ex. “I think it’s the only way we’ll get things back to the way they
should be around here.”  

Tinúviel’s
father, Elu Thingol, had Camlost arrested Tuesday for trespassing in his
Teleri- and Maia-only kingdom, but Tinúviel forestalled a formal trial by
snatching Camlost away from his guards and walking him right into her parents’
room. Thingol’s demands to know who the Man was and what he was doing in
Menegroth were apparently met with Tinuviel’s “he’s that pain in Morgoth’s ass
you keep talking about congratulating” and Camlost’s slightly more formal “it
was true love that brought me here.”

Allegedly,
it was the phrase “true love” that ignited Thingol’s rage, not “Morgoth’s ass.”

Thingol,
best known for the centuries-long disappearance in which he was the sketchy
boyfriend, eventually admitted that
Camlost’s inheritance, a green snake ring from Finrod Felagund’s Hot Topic
phase, was inconveniently legitimate. An impossible quest
seemed like the ideal solution after hours spent brandishing sovereign immunity
with no effect.

“That’s
how little you value your daughter? Whoah, I’m doing us both a favor,” Camlost is rumored to have said before being chased
out of Menegroth by angry trees. “We’ll meet again, your majesty.”

In order
to stand any chance at dating his One True Love™ and maybe getting started on
some one-quarter-angel, one-quarter-elf, and two-quarters Atani children, Camlost
is now bound to recover a Silmaril from the crown of Morgoth. (For any readers
who have been living in an isolated forest kingdom for the last several
thousand years, Morgoth is the rogue god currently terrorizing Northern
Beleriand in hopes of consuming all Beleriand.)

Tinúviel
has since been confined to her childhood treehouse until the matter is settled.
Her guards report that she has been combing her hair excessively, but is
otherwise quiet.