Here’s me! On Melania Trump, and why the natural urge to laugh at her or hate her is disguising a very clear and present danger.
As a woman who was once married to a narcissist, I can tell you that it is very compelling to believe in your partner’s aspirations. They want to be wise, admirable, generous, and good, and sometimes they are. They will reward you with love and affection when you reflect that image of themselves back to them. But that’s not all that they are, and woe to the partner who is not constantly working at justifying, overlooking, and explaining away any of their imperfections.
I don’t know anything about Melania Trump, and I think that there are very few people who do. Sometimes I wonder if there’s a reason for that.
When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, eventually they will demand that you whittle away every part of yourself that threatens them or doesn’t reflect back that glorious mirror image that they crave. It’s a death by inches. Each thing it costs you is so small that it is barely noticeable. You’re caught up in constant vigilance and defense against the emotional blows you are taking and can’t see more than a few feet around you. It seems reasonable to accede that step on the battlefield, and then that one, and then another, until months and years go by. By the time you look up and clear your head, you’ve lost the war and there is very little of yourself left.
So, when we look at the public face of a partner of a narcissistic, I don’t really think we’re seeing who they are as a person. The narcissist has shaped them into a blank screen onto which they can project both all those things they love about themselves and all of their failings to be what they aspire to be. I don’t know Melania Trump. I don’t know what role she has in her relationship with her husband and his family. But if her experience of partnering a narcissist is in any way similar to mine, then her husband is doing everything he can to subvert her will to his, until she is a blank screen onto which he project at will. When we call her names and dismiss her, we are projecting our own baggage onto onto someone who has been shaped by her relationship to take it, and we become just as guilty of emotional abuse as he is.
Hearseeno 