This is something that I’ve wanted to talk about for a while, and I think I’m finally in a place where I can express it specifically.  

I came to Supernatural in late Season 1 because it was a story about two brothers who saw family and each other through the lens of their father’s values. John defined the family and the roles that were served in it. In the first few seasons we saw two brothers discovering that they weren’t quite what they had thought, that there was more to them that they could discover about each other once they were out from under John’s authority. They were starting to reconnect. It gave me hope in the belief that we can heal each other. That we can remain true to who we are, be valued for it; that we don’t have to sacrifice large parts of ourselves in order to be accepted and loved.

Whether or not you agree that Dean’s behavior has been abusive, at some point in the last season his behavior tipped over a very scary line. While I can sympathize with his heat of the moment decision to more or less violate Sam’s DNR wishes, I have a much harder time with the gas lighting, ongoing violation of Sam’s body and memory, assumption of control over Sam’s will by not allowing him to decide, and only looking for a way to overpower Gadreel’s control when DEAN decided it that what he wanted out of the situation wasn’t enough to justify the escalating risk. That’s just far too much of a pattern of treating Sam like an object and less like a person.

And that assumption that you are something that belongs to me, that it is okay to ask you to sacrifice your autonomy to preserve this relationship is one of the primary beliefs that lay the foundation for abuse. Ironically, it’s also the belief that underlies what John asked Dean to do, to sacrifice essential parts of who he was in order to preserve the family. It’s how John defined family for Dean and why Dean defines family the way he does.  It is both why Sam and Dean have survived this long and why they are as broken as they are. So many images of double-edged swords in this season. I can only hope this is the reason why we’re seeing them.

But at this point, two things have happened that discourage me.  In the past couple seasons some of the lessons have been quite the opposite of what we were being shown early on. 

Sam experienced the one thing that so many of us who have been physically or emotionally abused fear. That if we speak up and insist on our right to be ourselves, to not allow ourselves to be violated to meet someone else’s needs, it will destroy the family. What happened in season 9, is that essentially Sam sticks up for his autonomy, his right to hold people responsible for facilitating his physical and psychological violation, and his family is destroyed. Dean goes off the rails, spirals off into despair, shuts Sam down and out, and puts himself in a situation with no support and gets himself killed.

As well, whether the writers intended it or not, now we have season 10 where Sam’s POV, his willingness to fight for the right to not be lied to, to call Dean out when Dean needs someone to call him out, in the same way that every other female character this season has called Dean out, has essentially disappeared. In it’s place, Sam is being incredibly emotionally supportive of Dean. That’s lovely, in it’s way, but it’s coming of the cost of Sam’s autonomy, again.

It’s like we’re rehashing the message that the best way to heal someone who has done awful things to you is to just accept them and love on them. WHICH IS SO WRONG. This is exactly the message that someone who has been abused gets all the time. It’s the message that YOU are the one who is responsible for the relationship and the psychological state of the other person in it. That hope that maybe you can do something about it and heal the other person. Maybe if I could just love you enough, put aside my needs, thoughts, and feelings enough, you’ll be healed. It’s essentially the very belief that John reinforced as being the foundation of family that lead to where we are. You must sacrifice essential parts of yourself in order to be in this relationship. And if you don’t, the family will be destroyed.

Does Dean need to forgive himself?  Oh yes, very much so. But he also needs to be held responsible.  Does Dean have a huge emotional hole that needs healing because he sacrificed so much of who he was for so long?  Yep, but if it comes at the cost of someone else’s autonomy, then we’ve just robbed Peter to pay Paul and changed nothing of significance.